3/7/2002:

If you didn't check out the page preceding this one... you should. There was a part of me that was regretting putting up the Twin Girl story so soon after the end of our semirelationship. I mean, the equation is tragedy + time = comedy. Perhaps I need time for this to process, for the story to gel in my own brain before I can really share it. Perhaps such kneejerk behavior cuts off all hope of ever rekindling what friendship we once had, or even (do I dare dream) a gushing, "It was a huge mistake!" type reunion. Perhaps it would be more helpful to discuss my healing process over the next seven days (I usually get over things in a week) than to remember the good times and get maudlin. Perhaps, but that's not what we're going to do. Heh.

To be completely fair to Rick, he did caution me about Twin Girl. We all went out to coffee and afterwards, he expressed a few doubts as to her viability. So think of Rick in this strip as a composite of all my friends who were just trying to be supportive of me in this endeavor. To be completely fair to everyone, many of my friends said, "This sounds like a pretty messed up situation, hope it works out, but I would be surprised if it did." However, as Strip Rick says above, I wasn't listening. I would prove them wrong! So I thought. And so the story continues.

Part II: There's something out there

The next chat log is way too personal to share. Sorry. I can give you some highlights, however.

Twin Girl started with Truth or Dare, without the Dares. We started with easy questions, the old favorites. But that tension was there. When I finally asked, "How do you feel about me?" she replied, "How did I know that was coming?" Her answer: "i want to pretend that it's ok to get interested in you" and "honestly--this is the first time i've thought about anyone else"

ScrubsKip (8:15:39 PM): i'm sorry. i didn't mean to complicate your life.
TwinGirl (8:16:12 PM): you dont have to apologize for it
ScrubsKip (8:16:17 PM): is it my turn to answer my question?
TwinGirl (8:16:27 PM): yes
ScrubsKip (8:16:31 PM): i like you
ScrubsKip (8:16:35 PM): i like you a lot
ScrubsKip (8:16:38 PM): and...
ScrubsKip (8:17:09 PM): i was sorta hoping that we could just be friends
ScrubsKip (8:17:14 PM): so that you could be with him
ScrubsKip (8:17:19 PM): and so that i wouldn't be the other guy
ScrubsKip (8:17:25 PM): the evil guy who stole you away
ScrubsKip (8:17:32 PM): but i do, i do like you
ScrubsKip (8:17:48 PM): and i don't want to see you feel like you're just on hold
ScrubsKip (8:18:01 PM): when you should be growing, living, learning more about yourself.
TwinGirl (8:19:03 PM): ok
ScrubsKip (8:19:37 PM): wait, shit, that came out all wrong

Twin Girl admitted that she felt excited when she was with me. I asked her if she'd made a decision about her guy or not. She said she'd need to see him in person, over break. I said I was willing to give her time. To wait. Oblivious to the amount of time I would spend waiting.

I went to bed that night feeling like the only thing worse than being the male escort was having clients start to fall for me. I mean, obviously I was allowed to fall for them and spend my time in unrequited yearning. I could control that. But if they started to fall, I would be "that other guy." I complained of only meeting girls with boyfriends; that anyone worth dating was dating someone already. Maybe the problem is mine. I'm so used to pining after unattainable girls on pedestals that girls that are available scare me. It's the Groucho effect: I don't want to be a part of any club that'll have me as a member. I've been so undesirable in the past that any girl who wants me now must be undesirable herself, right?

Mainly I just never want to settle. I would hate knowing that I'm only with someone because they would have me, and for nothing else.

I want to fall for a girl who is falling for me. I want a modern fairy tale love story. I don't think this story is one.

kip

PS song time: today's song is Agony from Into the Woods. Yeah fairy tales.