3/12/2002:

Alright, time to finish this thing. Tonight's song is a live version of Call and Answer from Barenaked Ladies. It's not a song that describes how I feel, but how I'd like to feel one day. Listen to the lyrics. Yeah. I also love the video to this song. It's such a slice of suburban angst.

Part VII: The End

So, there were the two weekends spent out of contact, both in person, and emotionally in our conversations. In fact, when I asked, "Do I seem too needy," Twin Girl said no, but then told me I should date other people. But no, I didn't see this as something of which to take note. I thought it was just her working through the issues, needing time. She plainly told me she wasn't ready to be someone's girlfriend, but by putting "I think" in front, it became a remark that I glossed over. I told her that we should just hang out like we did in the quarter before, remembering all the good times. Working our way back to the "start" of the relationship, but this time able to proceed with morals intact.

For the next week, I was a conversational dentist, extracting nuggets of affection from the deep recesses of her head.

Our second to last outing was to a storytelling night I had to go to for class. I was worried she was going to have a bad time because I hadn't planned very well, as usual, and not gotten reservations. So when we got to Uncommon Ground we had to sit in the back on stools until people left. It was a low key evening. I brought a flower anyway.

I went home that weekend, so it was more alone time for me, and the first bit of alone time she'd gotten in two weeks.

When I came back, we talked and she actually asked me to go out on Tuesday night. I should've known, like when Calista dumped me, that it was the end. I mean, why the sudden behavior change? If she had a car, I'm sure she would've said, "I'll drive." I forgot about all past history. I felt like I was seeing the end of the waiting, and beginning of our real relationship. Christmas, and headed into the New Year, so to speak. I think it would have been better in the end for me to have suspected before I picked her up. But I also know that really, to have that suspicion just wouldn't have been me.

So, Tuesday night, I picked her up after rehearsal and took her back to the apartment. It was too late for coffee, and even though Sil had a class group over and working, we went to my room and (I swear) played Scrabble. I'd never played with the board. My family always used the tiles for Speed Scrabble and Take Two. We don't like taking turns. So we played, and she was kicking butt. I pulled it together at the end to win by a point. We didn't talk much during the game, and then it was over, and she looked up and I knew.

"We have to talk." The knowing set deeper into my head. "It's over," she said.

What can I say here that I didn't say that night? (7 days worth of pain, I guess). I told her mostly what I've said, that she should remember the previous quarter, and January, and February (well, the first two weeks of it). I told her how much I liked her. She kept apologizing for treating me so unfairly, for having to be selfish. The crux of the matter was that yes, she and her guy had broken up. But it was due to him, not her. She'd picked him. And then I really knew, there was nothing I could do.

She had picked him.

She said that if we were to try to remain friends, I would constantly be trying to talk to her, and she wouldn't be able to return the same level of attention (gosh, I knew how that felt already) and then I'd just grow to resent her. Better to get the hating her period over with so that perhaps we could make an attempt at friendship later.

Just no more mixed signals. No more any signals. No more hope. When I first got to know her, she'd said that I should have no hope, due to the boyfriend. Then, when we started flirting, she told me that hope never dies. Or never should die. Or, I guess, never should die until now.

I told her I'd take her home. She offered to walk back, but I figured I might as well not be remembered as an asshole.

I think, in the end, I made it.

The End

The Stuff After the End

So, did I manage? Or have the past seven days of pain and angst killed all hope with Twin Girl (or any girl reading this)?

Sil says that I don't sound so bitter anymore. Now there's just sadness left.

Twin Girl emailed on Wednesday, and said a lot of the things that she said the night before. She said that she wished we could still talk and hang out, but she really didn't know where her life was going and didn't want to subject me to her up and downs anymore.

I wanted to help her. That's all I can say.

On that Tuesday night, she said, "This is your chance to say what's on your mind." I kept saying, "It's so sad that we're never going to speak after tonight," with a sad chuckle.

I feel the same way now. This is my last chance to really talk about Twin Girl, as I've subjected everyone to my down long enough.

K. I'm done.

Thanks for coming along.

kip